It has been a tough year. One where I was tired, I lost my mojo. I thought I was on one path and then when it closed I allowed it to define me, for awhile.
Even though I have stepped up my commitment to prayer and journaling, sometimes God seems far far away. I have been desperate for a glimpse of Him. I have moments, where I feel His presence but not enough. The people pleaser in me says “it’s my fault, I need to do more.”
I struggle to find the balance of letting God be in control and doing my part. I always feel I need to make things happen.
But that is what I lost this year, the ability to just make it all ok and to make it happen. I am having to learn what it means to really trust in God to be my provider.
When an old friend contacted me and commented on how amazing things were going for me, I almost spit out my coffee. “It’s funny how you can make things on Facebook,” I commented.
The truth is I don’t like to be vulnerable. When I have been vulnerable it hasn’t gone well. I worked at places where if you didn’t have a smile on your face walking down the hall people complained.
Growing up as a preacher’s kid my bad choices were made public and I was judged. I was scrutinized. I have trust issues.
I have worked for crazy making people. When you are vulnerable with unsafe people they hone on to your weaknesses and use them against you. They sense weakness and pounce like a tiger. The enemy is like that too. I Peter 5:8 says, “Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”
In this “platform building world” I wonder if we haven’t become too focused on looking like we have it all under control.
For a girl who wants to fix things, sweep things under the rug and make things better, it is hard to wait on God. It is hard to trust sometimes that He has my back. It is hard to admit I am afraid or I am in need.
But that is what I am learning. That is what this time is about. Learning to believe in the dark. It is easy to believe when life is sunny and good. I am walking that balance of believing God’s promises and allowing myself to be honest and vulnerable.
My small group has been a blessing to me. It has been a long time since I was in one. They been God’s hand and feet to me. They have covered me in prayer and spoken words of hope. In my fear I have a hard time letting some of their words go down deep. In those moments I recognize the need to let God heal all those holes in my heart so I can believe I am who He says I am.
We need friends to be Jesus to us. We need to be Jesus to others.
When I get the glimpses I am grateful and full of hope.
I am listening to Sheila Walsh’s Beautiful Things Happen When a Woman Trusts God on audio. She was talking about the death of Lazarus.
When Jesus commanded them to open the tomb Mary said to Him, “Lord, by this time there is a stench, for he has been dead four days.”
Jesus said to her, “Did I not say to you that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?”
Our walk daily requires us to believe, even against all odds. Because all things are possible through Christ.1